I think I've got it figured out

It's funny how life is. There are an awful lot of nights when I feel like I'm going nonstop from the time the alarm goes off (okay, after the second snooze) to the time I put my head to pillow at night. I complain that I haven't gotten one solitary moment of quiet time, let alone ten minutes to myself. It seems like run, run, run, and like I've got so much to do. It's like all I want to do is sit, just for a minute.

But then, Lucas goes away for a week. And I'm convinced that if I have to sit in the silence alone for any longer, I'm going to explode! And then I seek out things to do to keep myself busy to pass the time until he's home!

The worst thing about being a divorced parent is that you have to share. No matter how long we've been doing this, I just cannot get the hang of it. I do understand that I still have Jacob, and that I don't have to share him beyond the walls of my own home if I don't choose to. But it's not the same. It's hard to be a mother of two when one of them is gone.

Don't get me wrong. I do not have a favorite child. My boys occupy my entire heart and mind in equal parts. I love them equally; I just love the different things about them.

Lucas was my first baby. He was the only good thing resulting from a very poor poor choice I made at far too young an age. He was what kept me going when I didn't want to do anything. He showed me a part of the world I'd never seen, when I wasn't sure I wanted to be part of the world at all. He was my reason for everything, and he taught me how to be happy again.

Jacob is my miracle baby. He is the baby I wanted so badly in my heart, but never thought I'd actually ever have. He marks the miracle of what I've come through in my marriage, and what I don't want to leave behind. I love his smile, and his infectious little laugh. He has taught me gratitude again.

I adore being a mother. I think that this could be my life's calling. Not only do I love being a mom, I love being a mom to MY BOYS. They're just incredible. They bring the best out of me, and I want nothing more than to give the best of myself to them. The smiles, laughter, wrestling, dancing, kisses and cuddles are worth any amount of mess and responsibility. They are so much a part of me that when one of them is gone, I truly feel like I am not whole. I shouldn't complain about the nonstop things I have to do. I should be grateful for the reasons that I'm doing these things. And I am grateful. Sometimes, though, life gets hectic and I take things for granted, like the fact that both of my boys will be here when I wake in the morning.

So, for the next couple of days, I will clean and scrub and rearrange everything in my house. And when Lucas comes home on Saturday, we will go sledding, or take some other adventure. And when I'm done with the dinners and packing lunches, and giving baths and washing laundry and ironing clothes, I will snuggle up with my boys, and all will be right with the world again. I might be mopey now, but I will be better soon. And I won't complain about everything I have to do.... not right away at least...