Accountability

I have to be accountable somewhere.  I suppose it's here.
I've been on the scale.  I know what it says.  I'm tipping it and am back near my heaviest weight ever.  Not okay.  To top it off, I have 35 days to lose enough to fit on the rides at cedar point.  Also not really okay.

So, the plan is some form of workout every.single.day. And, no more than 1200 calories/day.  This is rough, because I really like to eat at work! LoL.

Thus far today I've had 210 calorie meal, a bag of popcorn (225 calories).... for a total of 435 calories, leaving me with 765 calories.  I will now have a frozen cup of yoplait yogurt... 140 calories more... so, for supper/the night, I have 625 calories....

What a weekend. What a month! This month has been an absolutel roller coaster for me, mentally, emotionally, physically, but I'm pretty sure it's going to end on an upswing. This weekend in particular was very very good for me. I got my Jacob tattoo Friday night. Say what you will about body modification, but tattoos for me, are theraputic. There's something refreshing about going through a little bit of elective pain and coming out with something beautiful after you heal. I think that's a pretty good paralell to real life. Things are going to be hard, and I'm going to have to have some heart break, but I hope to come out as something beautiful some day.

Saturday turned out shorter than I anticipated, but it was good, and I feel so accomplished for it. It was a good feeling. I want to hold onto it. And I want to replicate it, on a bigger scale. So, now I have to double my efforts to amplify results! I'm excited to do it.

I got to spend all day today with my boys. I snuggled with Jacob, and gave him his first girl scout cookies! He's such a fat kid. I love it. Lucas and I sat and read last night and today. We've started the first Harry Potter book, and he's really into it. Then today, he started to read to me, a Cat in the Hat book, and one of the first reader books he got from school. Both boys were cuddly today, which I love, because I know that no matter how much I try to hang onto it, there will be a day when they're too big to cuddle up with their momma.

This is my last week of having a whole lot of extra time. Starting a week from tomorrow, my schedule gets crazy busy.... I need to keep up with it, and I need to make sure I keep having time with my babies. I'll have essentially 1 day off of EVERYTHING a week, so I'm sure I will be living for Sundays. But, I think my practice with advanced meal planning, and getting everyone on board to help the house run smoothly will go a long way in helping me to succeed for the next couple of months, and beyond that. Wish me luck!!

mommy thoughts

Dear Lucas,

You're with your daddy tonight, having fun at Disney On Ice, and all I've done all day is think about you. You're possibly the most incredible person I have ever met in my life. I have never met someone with such a genuine bright smile. Your face, your eyes, your soul... you put everything you are completely into everything you do. Your eyes can break my heart, or they can send it soaring. I love you when you're happy, and laughing so freely and have not a care in the world. I love you when your little heart is broken, when your face crumples, and your only comfort is in my arms. I love your fierce protection of your little brother when you tell people not to call him rotten (even though they're only joking), because you don't want them to make him feel bad about himself. I love your gentle comforting of Jacob when he's woken in the middle of the night, and you wake up and talk to him soothingly and tell him you're never going to let anything bad happen to him. I love your goofy side, and when you're over tired and laughing for twenty minutes because someone said butt. You make me a better person. You make me the person I want to be.

Dear Jacob,

In such a short time on this earth, you have turned my world upside down. And I could never be thankful enough for it, or thankful enough for you. I adore your bright, beautiful smile. Even at your worst, when we've not slept for days and days, and when you're so miserably sick that you cannot even keep your binkie in your mouth... even then, you lift your head from my chest, and you smile at me, and I am reminded why I believe in God, and why I still have hope that there is something good in the world. In my world, that good is you and your brother. I love how when you cry out in the middle of the night, and I put you in my arms, you snuggle in, calm down, and fall back to sleep, with your hand on your cheek. I love your growing appetite, and how you beg for food worse than the dog. Your natural curiosity and your constant desire to push your own physical limits both astounds and inspires me. You've never had any desire to be still. You want to see how much you can do, and then you want to do more. I wonder if you get that from me. You show me my goals.

Dear boys,

There is no greater privilege in this world than the one I have been given: being your mother. You are everything good in my life, and everything right. It is an honor to watch you move through life, wide eyed and absorbent. I see my world through fresh eyes when I am with you, and I see the world as amazing. Everything new you learn, I learn too. And we rejoice in everything new. My life is complete; I am whole. And it is because of you. You're both growing so so fast, and I know that the kisses and cuddles will wane, and eventually cease. And it will break my heart, but I hope that as you grow and mature, our relationship will, too. No matter what, always and for ever... I love you.

Body Clutter Mission 7

Phew! I just finished mission 6, and it was a humdinger. Definitely not for public viewing, because it was intensely personal, but cathartic. However, I've had enough catharsis for now, and I needed to get my mind on something else, so I moved through to the next exercise.

Q: what habits have you already established in a normal morning and evening routine?

Morning:
I'm not much of a morning person, so my morning routine is pretty skelatal. Wake up, dress, brush teeth, put on some makeup (that's the new part to my day). Wake Lucas, get him ready for school, load up the car, and go. Pretty simple.

Evening: This pretty much starts when I get home from school. Work on homework with Lucas, get laundry in the wash, start dinner, feed the baby, feed myself, play with the boys, wake matt, bathe the baby, get lucas in the shower, play a game with Lucas, change the boys into pajamas, put lucas to bed, put jacob to bed, check on Lucas, check on Jacob, give him back his binkie (repeat as often as necessary), do dishes, change laundry out, pack Lucas' lunch, pack his backpack, get his clothes ready, lay my clothes out, read, blog or play on facebook, go to bed.

Now, add a new, small baby step connected to it for you to practice.

Well, I have added two zumba workouts and two boring workouts to my evening routine. I could add a breakfast to my morning routine.... something simple.... even if I have to eat it while I'm in the car. it's one of those good for you things that I dont do for myself.... even though I know better. So that's what I'll start tomorrow.

Body Clutter assignment # 5

I've been doing a lot of my body clutter missions in my notebook (there is something freeing about physically putting pen to paper and writing, versus typing it out), but I thought this would be a good one for the blog.

Q What excuses do you make to yourself for having body clutter? Don't hold back! List them all!

A I do have a million excuses for not having taken care of this problem previously.

1. It takes too long, and I just don't have the time.
2. I can't do it while Matt and Lucas keep tempting junk food in the house.
3. I don't want to make two dinners every night (one for me, one for everyone else)
4. I don't have time to exercise.
5. I'll just screw it up anyway, so why start?
6. I've been on so many crash diets that my metabolism is screwed up.
7. It's too expensive to prepare healthy foods.
8. I can start another day.
9. I weigh too much already
10. I hate to deprive myself and that will make me fail, too.

There's more, I'm sure, but my brain isn't functioning so well today. The point is, that these excuses are just that.... excuses. Whiny, lame excuses for me not trying as hard as I could. This is definately not my favorite character flaw.... I might have to work harder, and things may be more difficult, but I always have a choice: to quit, or to persevere. That is my new choice. To persevere.

Epiphany

Well, that big a-ha! moment I thought I'd never have about my life finally happened. Granted, it's about 11 years later than what I had hoped for, but it happened and for that, I am grateful. This has been an eye opening week for me.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my self esteem pretty much sucks, and that it always had. There's a lot of things I don't like about myself, but there are two that stand out more than any other: my physical appearance, and my lack of a degree. And while the rest of this might seem rather jumpy, please bear with me, because it is all relevant, and should come together in the end.

It's no secret that I'm not proud of the decisions I made to leave school and marry Lucas' father. I wouldn't trade Lucas for anything in the world, but I'm often nostalgic for the me that was going to go out and tear up the world and sop up as much knowledge as I could. These were the expectations my family had of me, and the expectations I had of myself as I left my high school bubble.

In the busy shuffle of day to day life, and possibly amidst the embarrassment of my situation, I lost touch with every single one of the friends I'd made in high school. I avoided my reunion, too. But, curiosity got the better of me, and one sleepless night, I started to look up some of my old friends on Facebook. I was delighted when I found them; they all appeared to be incredibly happy. But my finger stopped short of the mouse click to add them as friends, and my mind began to race. What would they think, when they found out that I have done literally nothing with my life (other than marry and breed)? What on earth would make any of them want to have any ties to someone so unaccomplished? Good God, one works for NASA, one is an incredibly busy university teacher, one is a lawyer at MTV, and another is a physical therapist. Inevitably, someone would ask me what I'd done with my life, where I live, and what my career is. How am I supposed to tell them that I've screwed up everything I'd ever dreamed of, and am now just a wife, mother, and... a secretary? I dropped the mouse, closed the browser, and went to bed.

And something just ate away at me for about a week. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself that I'd done nothing in my life which I could be proud of. And I was disappointed that I didn't trust my old friends not to judge me on my mistakes, but by what I was doing to fix them. And so, with some trepidation, I sent some friend requests. I accepted others, and I was upfront and honest with my lack of merit, but also my desire to fix things. And every single one of them has been anything less than incredible, happy for me, and supportive. It wasn't them that I didn't trust. It was myself. I had measured myself against them, and judged myself based upon what I saw. These are truly remarkable women.

And I do want to make my life better, if not for me, at least for my boys. I've diligently been working out at the YMCA, doing Zumba twice a week and a boring cardio/weight work out twice more. I've been reading some self help books on the subject of losing weight, and the safe and effective ways to lose and become healthier for the sake of my children. This is a hard one for me, as I'm the gullible victim of many "fad" diets, that worked for a little bit. But then I got burned out, and the weight came back (with friends).

The thing is, with my weight and my education, I know what I have to do (eat less, move more, and go to college!). I just can't seem to find the starting point, and end up getting frustrated and giving up. These two things, an education, and a healthier, better looking body are the two things that I want for myself, to help my self esteem and my family.

Once again, the new year popped up, and I made the customary weight loss/education resolutions. And probably I made them not really believing I'd follow through with them, as so many years have come and gone and still here I sit, fat and sassy, and still a secretary. But, the year is still young, and so I began to tackle the weight loss resolution first. I signed up for Zumba, which I adore. If I can't play competitive sports, then give me a beat, and I'll dance all night long. Zumba lets me do that, and the Latin inspired moves are a challenge for my muscles. The days for the boring work out just KILL me. The treadmill is NOT a good motivational tool, but I've plowed through it with some resolve. Tuesday at Zumba, my instructor (a Polynesian goddess) was talking about how she had previously taught seven Zumba classes a week. And I thought to myself, hey, I could look that good if I were doing Zumba that often (which is out of the question, because most of the classes are during work hours). Man, if I taught Zumba, I'd have no excuse not to work out because it's fun, and because I'd have no choice but to show up for class every time it was scheduled. Hey, wait.... that's really not a bad idea....teaching Zumba! So I began to research how to become a certified Zumba instructor, and determined that I additionally wanted to become a certified Group Fitness Instructor (this will make me more marketable). I've set a goal of having done these things by August 31. I am currently searching for CPR/AED classes, as I have to have my certification in order to be able to take the ACE exam.

So, with the ball set in motion for that, I sought out some nutritional advice (I'm not trying to go teach a class looking like I do; it's not very convincing that it's a good workout when your instructor is overweight). I found ways to calculate caloric intake to maintain my current weight, and to lose two pounds a week safely. I began to learn to dissect the value of calories consumed from different foods, and found studies showing how certain foods can help or harm your body in the fight against and prevention of different diseases. I was completely engrossed. And the more I thought about it, and the more I researched, the clearer my mind became. If I made taking care of myself and my family my career, I would not be able to fail! If I learn to eat healthy and cook healthy, and I have to go work out, I have no reason to be unhappy with my body, as it will begin to change. And since I crave the nutritional knowledge, why not quench that desire by working towards a dietitian's degree after I get my group fitness/zumba instructor certification? I can help myself; I can help other people. A two year degree is more feasible for me right now while my boys are young anyway, and with the instructional certifications and the dietitian's degree, I would certainly be marketable to any number of businesses: gyms, hospitals, schools, rehabilitation centers, nursing homes--you name it. It's not quite out of the health care industry as I had thought I'd wanted to be, but work will reimburse my tuition, and I'll have a foot in the door upon graduation. It seems like everything aligned all at once for me.

I know how hard it's going to be. I am already exhausted as it is, and now I'm going to add the stress of certifications and school on top of everything, but if I want my boys to make education a priority in their lives, I'd darn well better make it one in mine, too.

Yes, I've always loved creative pursuits, which is why my hobbies are what they are. But I can still pursue those things outside of my career, and be completely fulfilled in what I've chosen to do with my life.

I feel incredible. And I know that I won't always have this feeling throughout the course of my journey, but.... at least for a moment, the fog has lifted and I've seen my destination.

Baiya!!

Okay, so the basic rule for weight loss is: eat less, move more. Well... easier said than done, right? Traditional workouts, while effective, are BORING, and I have exercise induced A.D.D. There are physical activities I really enjoy (mind out of the gutter, please, this is a PG blog!). I love anything competitive. Volleyball, softball, anything. Give me an opponent, and I will play and move to the best of my ability, for as long as I have to, until I win (it's a Measley thing). More recently, I have discovered a love of dancing. I feel so much joy when I'm dancing; it's less like work, and more like fun and freedom. Well, I can't dance in my living room, and I surely won't dance in the street, and it's awfully hard to play volleball or softball in the snow.

Whose idea was it to make resolutions in the winter, anyway?

Well, I thought I was doomed to endless treadmill and elliptical workouts, going nowhere fast, nothing to look forward to, and no gratification until I hit the scale. I can do these machine workouts from time to time, but I do need to mix things up a bit, because if I'm constantly bored, my resolution would be DOA. Thank God I have incredible friends. My dancer friends told me about Zumba. Well, they didn't tell me so much as rave to one another about how much fun it is and how intense it is in my presence. So I went to the Y, and I signed up for a class.

I was so nervous when I walked in. I have such a fear of the unknown, and I was doing it by myself. I placed myself towards the middle of the class. In walks our instructor, an incredibly energetic Polynesian GODDESS. I took one step backwards. She begins to explain that Zumba is a latin based dance work out. Latin based? As in, hip shaking? Sweet fancy Moses, if I shake my hips, I'll knock someone out! I took another step backward. In her particular class, she said, her music is inspired from pop music, Indian music, Latin music, and hip hop. Her choreography would include some hip hop inspired steps. Um... hip hop?? Hi, I'm a country girl.... I tried to take another step back, but I was against the wall, and the door was all the way at the front of the room. There was no escape. I was going to have to take this embarassment like a woman. Perhaps I could hide behind someone, so that I didn't have to watch myself in the giant mirror.

She starts the music, she explains what we're gonna do, and we go. There were songs I knew! There were moves I could do. There were moves I couldn't do, but neither could the people next to me, and after a few attempts, we were finally able to do something vaguely resembling a "booty circle" (if you stood far back, and squinted). Oh, it was hard!! My legs burned, but my cheeks hurt, too. They hurt.... I was smiling! I was smiling the whole time we were moving! And that was it. I was hooked. I am hooked. I am obsessed with Zumba! Now, I take two classes a week, and can safely stand in the middle of the class, and still laugh at myself and everything I mess up.

Dance, of any kind, is so freeing, and it's such an intense workout. But when I'm done, I'm flying. And I felt so incredibly good about myself today for having been there yesterday, and now I can't wait to go tomorrow.

I would recommend Zumba to anyone, despite their level of coordination, or even their rhythm. You'll work, and you'll feel great for it!

Baiya!!