Epiphany

Well, that big a-ha! moment I thought I'd never have about my life finally happened. Granted, it's about 11 years later than what I had hoped for, but it happened and for that, I am grateful. This has been an eye opening week for me.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my self esteem pretty much sucks, and that it always had. There's a lot of things I don't like about myself, but there are two that stand out more than any other: my physical appearance, and my lack of a degree. And while the rest of this might seem rather jumpy, please bear with me, because it is all relevant, and should come together in the end.

It's no secret that I'm not proud of the decisions I made to leave school and marry Lucas' father. I wouldn't trade Lucas for anything in the world, but I'm often nostalgic for the me that was going to go out and tear up the world and sop up as much knowledge as I could. These were the expectations my family had of me, and the expectations I had of myself as I left my high school bubble.

In the busy shuffle of day to day life, and possibly amidst the embarrassment of my situation, I lost touch with every single one of the friends I'd made in high school. I avoided my reunion, too. But, curiosity got the better of me, and one sleepless night, I started to look up some of my old friends on Facebook. I was delighted when I found them; they all appeared to be incredibly happy. But my finger stopped short of the mouse click to add them as friends, and my mind began to race. What would they think, when they found out that I have done literally nothing with my life (other than marry and breed)? What on earth would make any of them want to have any ties to someone so unaccomplished? Good God, one works for NASA, one is an incredibly busy university teacher, one is a lawyer at MTV, and another is a physical therapist. Inevitably, someone would ask me what I'd done with my life, where I live, and what my career is. How am I supposed to tell them that I've screwed up everything I'd ever dreamed of, and am now just a wife, mother, and... a secretary? I dropped the mouse, closed the browser, and went to bed.

And something just ate away at me for about a week. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself that I'd done nothing in my life which I could be proud of. And I was disappointed that I didn't trust my old friends not to judge me on my mistakes, but by what I was doing to fix them. And so, with some trepidation, I sent some friend requests. I accepted others, and I was upfront and honest with my lack of merit, but also my desire to fix things. And every single one of them has been anything less than incredible, happy for me, and supportive. It wasn't them that I didn't trust. It was myself. I had measured myself against them, and judged myself based upon what I saw. These are truly remarkable women.

And I do want to make my life better, if not for me, at least for my boys. I've diligently been working out at the YMCA, doing Zumba twice a week and a boring cardio/weight work out twice more. I've been reading some self help books on the subject of losing weight, and the safe and effective ways to lose and become healthier for the sake of my children. This is a hard one for me, as I'm the gullible victim of many "fad" diets, that worked for a little bit. But then I got burned out, and the weight came back (with friends).

The thing is, with my weight and my education, I know what I have to do (eat less, move more, and go to college!). I just can't seem to find the starting point, and end up getting frustrated and giving up. These two things, an education, and a healthier, better looking body are the two things that I want for myself, to help my self esteem and my family.

Once again, the new year popped up, and I made the customary weight loss/education resolutions. And probably I made them not really believing I'd follow through with them, as so many years have come and gone and still here I sit, fat and sassy, and still a secretary. But, the year is still young, and so I began to tackle the weight loss resolution first. I signed up for Zumba, which I adore. If I can't play competitive sports, then give me a beat, and I'll dance all night long. Zumba lets me do that, and the Latin inspired moves are a challenge for my muscles. The days for the boring work out just KILL me. The treadmill is NOT a good motivational tool, but I've plowed through it with some resolve. Tuesday at Zumba, my instructor (a Polynesian goddess) was talking about how she had previously taught seven Zumba classes a week. And I thought to myself, hey, I could look that good if I were doing Zumba that often (which is out of the question, because most of the classes are during work hours). Man, if I taught Zumba, I'd have no excuse not to work out because it's fun, and because I'd have no choice but to show up for class every time it was scheduled. Hey, wait.... that's really not a bad idea....teaching Zumba! So I began to research how to become a certified Zumba instructor, and determined that I additionally wanted to become a certified Group Fitness Instructor (this will make me more marketable). I've set a goal of having done these things by August 31. I am currently searching for CPR/AED classes, as I have to have my certification in order to be able to take the ACE exam.

So, with the ball set in motion for that, I sought out some nutritional advice (I'm not trying to go teach a class looking like I do; it's not very convincing that it's a good workout when your instructor is overweight). I found ways to calculate caloric intake to maintain my current weight, and to lose two pounds a week safely. I began to learn to dissect the value of calories consumed from different foods, and found studies showing how certain foods can help or harm your body in the fight against and prevention of different diseases. I was completely engrossed. And the more I thought about it, and the more I researched, the clearer my mind became. If I made taking care of myself and my family my career, I would not be able to fail! If I learn to eat healthy and cook healthy, and I have to go work out, I have no reason to be unhappy with my body, as it will begin to change. And since I crave the nutritional knowledge, why not quench that desire by working towards a dietitian's degree after I get my group fitness/zumba instructor certification? I can help myself; I can help other people. A two year degree is more feasible for me right now while my boys are young anyway, and with the instructional certifications and the dietitian's degree, I would certainly be marketable to any number of businesses: gyms, hospitals, schools, rehabilitation centers, nursing homes--you name it. It's not quite out of the health care industry as I had thought I'd wanted to be, but work will reimburse my tuition, and I'll have a foot in the door upon graduation. It seems like everything aligned all at once for me.

I know how hard it's going to be. I am already exhausted as it is, and now I'm going to add the stress of certifications and school on top of everything, but if I want my boys to make education a priority in their lives, I'd darn well better make it one in mine, too.

Yes, I've always loved creative pursuits, which is why my hobbies are what they are. But I can still pursue those things outside of my career, and be completely fulfilled in what I've chosen to do with my life.

I feel incredible. And I know that I won't always have this feeling throughout the course of my journey, but.... at least for a moment, the fog has lifted and I've seen my destination.