Body Clutter

That's what the FLYlady calls my fat. I kind of prefer that term to "fat kid." I like Marla Cilley so much that I went and got her other book. I'm doing my baby steps towards a clean clutter free home with Sink Reflections (and it's working beautifully). So it's baby steps toward that weight resolution I make every year.

Here's the thing. With Sink Reflections, the baby steps are easier. The introspection isn't so great as it is in Body Clutter. In fact, tonight, I really didn't want to do my second Body Clutter Control Journal exercise. There are things about my thoughts that I don't want to admit to myself, let alone put down in black (or blue) and white, because they are to admit that I really feel that way (repression is my friend). But, I guess if I'm to give this a fair chance I have to do it, right?

Here is my journal exercise, in part. Please don't judge. I'm doing this for me, and for me only. I'm not searching for validation; I'm not looking for comments, positive, negative or otherwise. I'm just doing this to be honest with myself. The public component to this is just for added vulnerability on my part.... I'm a glutton for punishment (among other things, lol).

Q: What is your image of beautiful?
Um.... my image of beautiful changes a lot. My sisters are probably the most beautiful people I've seen in my life. My friends are all gorgeous. There are so many things that make them all beautiful. Thin, athletic girls, and girls with curves in the right places are beautiful. I think Salma Hayek is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Any of the gorgeous ladies from dancing with the stars top my list, too. It's that long, lean, and still muscular look that I find to be stunning.

Q: Write down the list of diet schemes that you have tried and put down how you did with them and what you felt about them.
1. Atkins-too restrictive. I like bread. Did well while I was on it, but the weight came back with friends!
2. Weight Watchers-the first time I did great, but that was because i was accountable to someone who I had looked up to and admired greatly. When she left, I stopped caring again. She had been someone that I had wanted to make proud when I played volleyball for her, and when I found her again, I certainly didn't want her to be disappointed in what I had become since then.
3. Autumn's diet-I did with my cousin this diet that my cousin-in-law was doing because she was in a fitness competition. I did great, but you can only live on string cheese and apples for so long.
4. Stop eating-Yeah, I did it, and it was a bad choice, but it did work. However, I was flipping exhausted all of the time, and grouchy. Not so fun for those around me.

Q: Go back to your teenage years and write down what you remember about your weight.
I was always a bigger girl, hovering somewhere between a 12 and a 16 my whole life. And I was always wanting to go on a diet, and trying to go on a diet. Ugh. I was so desperate for someone (anyone) to like me, to have a date to prom or for the weekend or whatever. But I didn't, and that made me depressed and lonely, and so I ate, which was how I'd comforted myself through my awkward grade school years. I stayed about the same weight until I went to college, and the freedom definitely went to my head. By the time I'd finished my first year of college, I was up to a 16. Then there was Chris, and all of that. I ate my way through that relationship, gaining and gaining steadily. I had no friends, I had no life, I had no support, and I had no reason to do anything any day except for take care of Lucas, which is what go me through. When he left me, I moved back to my dad's. I stopped eating, and started dancing, and I was bound and determined to lose the weight. I wanted to show Chris what he'd lost, and I wanted my dad to stop thinking I was a complete failure. As I lost the sizes, I gained confidence and that's how I met Matt. My wonderful Matt, who loves food. Things haven't always been perfect, and I ate my way through hard times. I know when I gained my weight, and I know why I gained my weight. It's just so hard to lose it! Often, when I feel judged, or feel I have let someone down, I eat to compensate. I eat to shut off the feelings of inadequacy that I cannot get rid of (I know there's a skinny girl inside of me screaming to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies).

Q: Do you have any health issues related to your weight?
I am pretty much certain to become a diabetic. I have terrible shin splints, awful knees, and a very sore back. These things are another reason that I need to lose the weight. It's not about how I look. It's about how I feel, too. I love to play--volleyball, softball, anything outside, anything competitive. But I need to lose the weight to be able to keep up with the activities. The mind IS willing, but the body is weak. I need to stay healthy for my babies, so I can keep running with them, too. I need to do this this time.

Flylady, help me!