Phew! I just finished mission 6, and it was a humdinger. Definitely not for public viewing, because it was intensely personal, but cathartic. However, I've had enough catharsis for now, and I needed to get my mind on something else, so I moved through to the next exercise.
Q: what habits have you already established in a normal morning and evening routine?
Morning:
I'm not much of a morning person, so my morning routine is pretty skelatal. Wake up, dress, brush teeth, put on some makeup (that's the new part to my day). Wake Lucas, get him ready for school, load up the car, and go. Pretty simple.
Evening: This pretty much starts when I get home from school. Work on homework with Lucas, get laundry in the wash, start dinner, feed the baby, feed myself, play with the boys, wake matt, bathe the baby, get lucas in the shower, play a game with Lucas, change the boys into pajamas, put lucas to bed, put jacob to bed, check on Lucas, check on Jacob, give him back his binkie (repeat as often as necessary), do dishes, change laundry out, pack Lucas' lunch, pack his backpack, get his clothes ready, lay my clothes out, read, blog or play on facebook, go to bed.
Now, add a new, small baby step connected to it for you to practice.
Well, I have added two zumba workouts and two boring workouts to my evening routine. I could add a breakfast to my morning routine.... something simple.... even if I have to eat it while I'm in the car. it's one of those good for you things that I dont do for myself.... even though I know better. So that's what I'll start tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Body Clutter assignment # 5
I've been doing a lot of my body clutter missions in my notebook (there is something freeing about physically putting pen to paper and writing, versus typing it out), but I thought this would be a good one for the blog.
Q What excuses do you make to yourself for having body clutter? Don't hold back! List them all!
A I do have a million excuses for not having taken care of this problem previously.
1. It takes too long, and I just don't have the time.
2. I can't do it while Matt and Lucas keep tempting junk food in the house.
3. I don't want to make two dinners every night (one for me, one for everyone else)
4. I don't have time to exercise.
5. I'll just screw it up anyway, so why start?
6. I've been on so many crash diets that my metabolism is screwed up.
7. It's too expensive to prepare healthy foods.
8. I can start another day.
9. I weigh too much already
10. I hate to deprive myself and that will make me fail, too.
There's more, I'm sure, but my brain isn't functioning so well today. The point is, that these excuses are just that.... excuses. Whiny, lame excuses for me not trying as hard as I could. This is definately not my favorite character flaw.... I might have to work harder, and things may be more difficult, but I always have a choice: to quit, or to persevere. That is my new choice. To persevere.
Q What excuses do you make to yourself for having body clutter? Don't hold back! List them all!
A I do have a million excuses for not having taken care of this problem previously.
1. It takes too long, and I just don't have the time.
2. I can't do it while Matt and Lucas keep tempting junk food in the house.
3. I don't want to make two dinners every night (one for me, one for everyone else)
4. I don't have time to exercise.
5. I'll just screw it up anyway, so why start?
6. I've been on so many crash diets that my metabolism is screwed up.
7. It's too expensive to prepare healthy foods.
8. I can start another day.
9. I weigh too much already
10. I hate to deprive myself and that will make me fail, too.
There's more, I'm sure, but my brain isn't functioning so well today. The point is, that these excuses are just that.... excuses. Whiny, lame excuses for me not trying as hard as I could. This is definately not my favorite character flaw.... I might have to work harder, and things may be more difficult, but I always have a choice: to quit, or to persevere. That is my new choice. To persevere.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Epiphany
Well, that big a-ha! moment I thought I'd never have about my life finally happened. Granted, it's about 11 years later than what I had hoped for, but it happened and for that, I am grateful. This has been an eye opening week for me.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that my self esteem pretty much sucks, and that it always had. There's a lot of things I don't like about myself, but there are two that stand out more than any other: my physical appearance, and my lack of a degree. And while the rest of this might seem rather jumpy, please bear with me, because it is all relevant, and should come together in the end.
It's no secret that I'm not proud of the decisions I made to leave school and marry Lucas' father. I wouldn't trade Lucas for anything in the world, but I'm often nostalgic for the me that was going to go out and tear up the world and sop up as much knowledge as I could. These were the expectations my family had of me, and the expectations I had of myself as I left my high school bubble.
In the busy shuffle of day to day life, and possibly amidst the embarrassment of my situation, I lost touch with every single one of the friends I'd made in high school. I avoided my reunion, too. But, curiosity got the better of me, and one sleepless night, I started to look up some of my old friends on Facebook. I was delighted when I found them; they all appeared to be incredibly happy. But my finger stopped short of the mouse click to add them as friends, and my mind began to race. What would they think, when they found out that I have done literally nothing with my life (other than marry and breed)? What on earth would make any of them want to have any ties to someone so unaccomplished? Good God, one works for NASA, one is an incredibly busy university teacher, one is a lawyer at MTV, and another is a physical therapist. Inevitably, someone would ask me what I'd done with my life, where I live, and what my career is. How am I supposed to tell them that I've screwed up everything I'd ever dreamed of, and am now just a wife, mother, and... a secretary? I dropped the mouse, closed the browser, and went to bed.
And something just ate away at me for about a week. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself that I'd done nothing in my life which I could be proud of. And I was disappointed that I didn't trust my old friends not to judge me on my mistakes, but by what I was doing to fix them. And so, with some trepidation, I sent some friend requests. I accepted others, and I was upfront and honest with my lack of merit, but also my desire to fix things. And every single one of them has been anything less than incredible, happy for me, and supportive. It wasn't them that I didn't trust. It was myself. I had measured myself against them, and judged myself based upon what I saw. These are truly remarkable women.
And I do want to make my life better, if not for me, at least for my boys. I've diligently been working out at the YMCA, doing Zumba twice a week and a boring cardio/weight work out twice more. I've been reading some self help books on the subject of losing weight, and the safe and effective ways to lose and become healthier for the sake of my children. This is a hard one for me, as I'm the gullible victim of many "fad" diets, that worked for a little bit. But then I got burned out, and the weight came back (with friends).
The thing is, with my weight and my education, I know what I have to do (eat less, move more, and go to college!). I just can't seem to find the starting point, and end up getting frustrated and giving up. These two things, an education, and a healthier, better looking body are the two things that I want for myself, to help my self esteem and my family.
Once again, the new year popped up, and I made the customary weight loss/education resolutions. And probably I made them not really believing I'd follow through with them, as so many years have come and gone and still here I sit, fat and sassy, and still a secretary. But, the year is still young, and so I began to tackle the weight loss resolution first. I signed up for Zumba, which I adore. If I can't play competitive sports, then give me a beat, and I'll dance all night long. Zumba lets me do that, and the Latin inspired moves are a challenge for my muscles. The days for the boring work out just KILL me. The treadmill is NOT a good motivational tool, but I've plowed through it with some resolve. Tuesday at Zumba, my instructor (a Polynesian goddess) was talking about how she had previously taught seven Zumba classes a week. And I thought to myself, hey, I could look that good if I were doing Zumba that often (which is out of the question, because most of the classes are during work hours). Man, if I taught Zumba, I'd have no excuse not to work out because it's fun, and because I'd have no choice but to show up for class every time it was scheduled. Hey, wait.... that's really not a bad idea....teaching Zumba! So I began to research how to become a certified Zumba instructor, and determined that I additionally wanted to become a certified Group Fitness Instructor (this will make me more marketable). I've set a goal of having done these things by August 31. I am currently searching for CPR/AED classes, as I have to have my certification in order to be able to take the ACE exam.
So, with the ball set in motion for that, I sought out some nutritional advice (I'm not trying to go teach a class looking like I do; it's not very convincing that it's a good workout when your instructor is overweight). I found ways to calculate caloric intake to maintain my current weight, and to lose two pounds a week safely. I began to learn to dissect the value of calories consumed from different foods, and found studies showing how certain foods can help or harm your body in the fight against and prevention of different diseases. I was completely engrossed. And the more I thought about it, and the more I researched, the clearer my mind became. If I made taking care of myself and my family my career, I would not be able to fail! If I learn to eat healthy and cook healthy, and I have to go work out, I have no reason to be unhappy with my body, as it will begin to change. And since I crave the nutritional knowledge, why not quench that desire by working towards a dietitian's degree after I get my group fitness/zumba instructor certification? I can help myself; I can help other people. A two year degree is more feasible for me right now while my boys are young anyway, and with the instructional certifications and the dietitian's degree, I would certainly be marketable to any number of businesses: gyms, hospitals, schools, rehabilitation centers, nursing homes--you name it. It's not quite out of the health care industry as I had thought I'd wanted to be, but work will reimburse my tuition, and I'll have a foot in the door upon graduation. It seems like everything aligned all at once for me.
I know how hard it's going to be. I am already exhausted as it is, and now I'm going to add the stress of certifications and school on top of everything, but if I want my boys to make education a priority in their lives, I'd darn well better make it one in mine, too.
Yes, I've always loved creative pursuits, which is why my hobbies are what they are. But I can still pursue those things outside of my career, and be completely fulfilled in what I've chosen to do with my life.
I feel incredible. And I know that I won't always have this feeling throughout the course of my journey, but.... at least for a moment, the fog has lifted and I've seen my destination.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that my self esteem pretty much sucks, and that it always had. There's a lot of things I don't like about myself, but there are two that stand out more than any other: my physical appearance, and my lack of a degree. And while the rest of this might seem rather jumpy, please bear with me, because it is all relevant, and should come together in the end.
It's no secret that I'm not proud of the decisions I made to leave school and marry Lucas' father. I wouldn't trade Lucas for anything in the world, but I'm often nostalgic for the me that was going to go out and tear up the world and sop up as much knowledge as I could. These were the expectations my family had of me, and the expectations I had of myself as I left my high school bubble.
In the busy shuffle of day to day life, and possibly amidst the embarrassment of my situation, I lost touch with every single one of the friends I'd made in high school. I avoided my reunion, too. But, curiosity got the better of me, and one sleepless night, I started to look up some of my old friends on Facebook. I was delighted when I found them; they all appeared to be incredibly happy. But my finger stopped short of the mouse click to add them as friends, and my mind began to race. What would they think, when they found out that I have done literally nothing with my life (other than marry and breed)? What on earth would make any of them want to have any ties to someone so unaccomplished? Good God, one works for NASA, one is an incredibly busy university teacher, one is a lawyer at MTV, and another is a physical therapist. Inevitably, someone would ask me what I'd done with my life, where I live, and what my career is. How am I supposed to tell them that I've screwed up everything I'd ever dreamed of, and am now just a wife, mother, and... a secretary? I dropped the mouse, closed the browser, and went to bed.
And something just ate away at me for about a week. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself that I'd done nothing in my life which I could be proud of. And I was disappointed that I didn't trust my old friends not to judge me on my mistakes, but by what I was doing to fix them. And so, with some trepidation, I sent some friend requests. I accepted others, and I was upfront and honest with my lack of merit, but also my desire to fix things. And every single one of them has been anything less than incredible, happy for me, and supportive. It wasn't them that I didn't trust. It was myself. I had measured myself against them, and judged myself based upon what I saw. These are truly remarkable women.
And I do want to make my life better, if not for me, at least for my boys. I've diligently been working out at the YMCA, doing Zumba twice a week and a boring cardio/weight work out twice more. I've been reading some self help books on the subject of losing weight, and the safe and effective ways to lose and become healthier for the sake of my children. This is a hard one for me, as I'm the gullible victim of many "fad" diets, that worked for a little bit. But then I got burned out, and the weight came back (with friends).
The thing is, with my weight and my education, I know what I have to do (eat less, move more, and go to college!). I just can't seem to find the starting point, and end up getting frustrated and giving up. These two things, an education, and a healthier, better looking body are the two things that I want for myself, to help my self esteem and my family.
Once again, the new year popped up, and I made the customary weight loss/education resolutions. And probably I made them not really believing I'd follow through with them, as so many years have come and gone and still here I sit, fat and sassy, and still a secretary. But, the year is still young, and so I began to tackle the weight loss resolution first. I signed up for Zumba, which I adore. If I can't play competitive sports, then give me a beat, and I'll dance all night long. Zumba lets me do that, and the Latin inspired moves are a challenge for my muscles. The days for the boring work out just KILL me. The treadmill is NOT a good motivational tool, but I've plowed through it with some resolve. Tuesday at Zumba, my instructor (a Polynesian goddess) was talking about how she had previously taught seven Zumba classes a week. And I thought to myself, hey, I could look that good if I were doing Zumba that often (which is out of the question, because most of the classes are during work hours). Man, if I taught Zumba, I'd have no excuse not to work out because it's fun, and because I'd have no choice but to show up for class every time it was scheduled. Hey, wait.... that's really not a bad idea....teaching Zumba! So I began to research how to become a certified Zumba instructor, and determined that I additionally wanted to become a certified Group Fitness Instructor (this will make me more marketable). I've set a goal of having done these things by August 31. I am currently searching for CPR/AED classes, as I have to have my certification in order to be able to take the ACE exam.
So, with the ball set in motion for that, I sought out some nutritional advice (I'm not trying to go teach a class looking like I do; it's not very convincing that it's a good workout when your instructor is overweight). I found ways to calculate caloric intake to maintain my current weight, and to lose two pounds a week safely. I began to learn to dissect the value of calories consumed from different foods, and found studies showing how certain foods can help or harm your body in the fight against and prevention of different diseases. I was completely engrossed. And the more I thought about it, and the more I researched, the clearer my mind became. If I made taking care of myself and my family my career, I would not be able to fail! If I learn to eat healthy and cook healthy, and I have to go work out, I have no reason to be unhappy with my body, as it will begin to change. And since I crave the nutritional knowledge, why not quench that desire by working towards a dietitian's degree after I get my group fitness/zumba instructor certification? I can help myself; I can help other people. A two year degree is more feasible for me right now while my boys are young anyway, and with the instructional certifications and the dietitian's degree, I would certainly be marketable to any number of businesses: gyms, hospitals, schools, rehabilitation centers, nursing homes--you name it. It's not quite out of the health care industry as I had thought I'd wanted to be, but work will reimburse my tuition, and I'll have a foot in the door upon graduation. It seems like everything aligned all at once for me.
I know how hard it's going to be. I am already exhausted as it is, and now I'm going to add the stress of certifications and school on top of everything, but if I want my boys to make education a priority in their lives, I'd darn well better make it one in mine, too.
Yes, I've always loved creative pursuits, which is why my hobbies are what they are. But I can still pursue those things outside of my career, and be completely fulfilled in what I've chosen to do with my life.
I feel incredible. And I know that I won't always have this feeling throughout the course of my journey, but.... at least for a moment, the fog has lifted and I've seen my destination.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Baiya!!
Okay, so the basic rule for weight loss is: eat less, move more. Well... easier said than done, right? Traditional workouts, while effective, are BORING, and I have exercise induced A.D.D. There are physical activities I really enjoy (mind out of the gutter, please, this is a PG blog!). I love anything competitive. Volleyball, softball, anything. Give me an opponent, and I will play and move to the best of my ability, for as long as I have to, until I win (it's a Measley thing). More recently, I have discovered a love of dancing. I feel so much joy when I'm dancing; it's less like work, and more like fun and freedom. Well, I can't dance in my living room, and I surely won't dance in the street, and it's awfully hard to play volleball or softball in the snow.
Whose idea was it to make resolutions in the winter, anyway?
Well, I thought I was doomed to endless treadmill and elliptical workouts, going nowhere fast, nothing to look forward to, and no gratification until I hit the scale. I can do these machine workouts from time to time, but I do need to mix things up a bit, because if I'm constantly bored, my resolution would be DOA. Thank God I have incredible friends. My dancer friends told me about Zumba. Well, they didn't tell me so much as rave to one another about how much fun it is and how intense it is in my presence. So I went to the Y, and I signed up for a class.
I was so nervous when I walked in. I have such a fear of the unknown, and I was doing it by myself. I placed myself towards the middle of the class. In walks our instructor, an incredibly energetic Polynesian GODDESS. I took one step backwards. She begins to explain that Zumba is a latin based dance work out. Latin based? As in, hip shaking? Sweet fancy Moses, if I shake my hips, I'll knock someone out! I took another step backward. In her particular class, she said, her music is inspired from pop music, Indian music, Latin music, and hip hop. Her choreography would include some hip hop inspired steps. Um... hip hop?? Hi, I'm a country girl.... I tried to take another step back, but I was against the wall, and the door was all the way at the front of the room. There was no escape. I was going to have to take this embarassment like a woman. Perhaps I could hide behind someone, so that I didn't have to watch myself in the giant mirror.
She starts the music, she explains what we're gonna do, and we go. There were songs I knew! There were moves I could do. There were moves I couldn't do, but neither could the people next to me, and after a few attempts, we were finally able to do something vaguely resembling a "booty circle" (if you stood far back, and squinted). Oh, it was hard!! My legs burned, but my cheeks hurt, too. They hurt.... I was smiling! I was smiling the whole time we were moving! And that was it. I was hooked. I am hooked. I am obsessed with Zumba! Now, I take two classes a week, and can safely stand in the middle of the class, and still laugh at myself and everything I mess up.
Dance, of any kind, is so freeing, and it's such an intense workout. But when I'm done, I'm flying. And I felt so incredibly good about myself today for having been there yesterday, and now I can't wait to go tomorrow.
I would recommend Zumba to anyone, despite their level of coordination, or even their rhythm. You'll work, and you'll feel great for it!
Baiya!!
Whose idea was it to make resolutions in the winter, anyway?
Well, I thought I was doomed to endless treadmill and elliptical workouts, going nowhere fast, nothing to look forward to, and no gratification until I hit the scale. I can do these machine workouts from time to time, but I do need to mix things up a bit, because if I'm constantly bored, my resolution would be DOA. Thank God I have incredible friends. My dancer friends told me about Zumba. Well, they didn't tell me so much as rave to one another about how much fun it is and how intense it is in my presence. So I went to the Y, and I signed up for a class.
I was so nervous when I walked in. I have such a fear of the unknown, and I was doing it by myself. I placed myself towards the middle of the class. In walks our instructor, an incredibly energetic Polynesian GODDESS. I took one step backwards. She begins to explain that Zumba is a latin based dance work out. Latin based? As in, hip shaking? Sweet fancy Moses, if I shake my hips, I'll knock someone out! I took another step backward. In her particular class, she said, her music is inspired from pop music, Indian music, Latin music, and hip hop. Her choreography would include some hip hop inspired steps. Um... hip hop?? Hi, I'm a country girl.... I tried to take another step back, but I was against the wall, and the door was all the way at the front of the room. There was no escape. I was going to have to take this embarassment like a woman. Perhaps I could hide behind someone, so that I didn't have to watch myself in the giant mirror.
She starts the music, she explains what we're gonna do, and we go. There were songs I knew! There were moves I could do. There were moves I couldn't do, but neither could the people next to me, and after a few attempts, we were finally able to do something vaguely resembling a "booty circle" (if you stood far back, and squinted). Oh, it was hard!! My legs burned, but my cheeks hurt, too. They hurt.... I was smiling! I was smiling the whole time we were moving! And that was it. I was hooked. I am hooked. I am obsessed with Zumba! Now, I take two classes a week, and can safely stand in the middle of the class, and still laugh at myself and everything I mess up.
Dance, of any kind, is so freeing, and it's such an intense workout. But when I'm done, I'm flying. And I felt so incredibly good about myself today for having been there yesterday, and now I can't wait to go tomorrow.
I would recommend Zumba to anyone, despite their level of coordination, or even their rhythm. You'll work, and you'll feel great for it!
Baiya!!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Body Clutter
That's what the FLYlady calls my fat. I kind of prefer that term to "fat kid." I like Marla Cilley so much that I went and got her other book. I'm doing my baby steps towards a clean clutter free home with Sink Reflections (and it's working beautifully). So it's baby steps toward that weight resolution I make every year.
Here's the thing. With Sink Reflections, the baby steps are easier. The introspection isn't so great as it is in Body Clutter. In fact, tonight, I really didn't want to do my second Body Clutter Control Journal exercise. There are things about my thoughts that I don't want to admit to myself, let alone put down in black (or blue) and white, because they are to admit that I really feel that way (repression is my friend). But, I guess if I'm to give this a fair chance I have to do it, right?
Here is my journal exercise, in part. Please don't judge. I'm doing this for me, and for me only. I'm not searching for validation; I'm not looking for comments, positive, negative or otherwise. I'm just doing this to be honest with myself. The public component to this is just for added vulnerability on my part.... I'm a glutton for punishment (among other things, lol).
Q: What is your image of beautiful?
Um.... my image of beautiful changes a lot. My sisters are probably the most beautiful people I've seen in my life. My friends are all gorgeous. There are so many things that make them all beautiful. Thin, athletic girls, and girls with curves in the right places are beautiful. I think Salma Hayek is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Any of the gorgeous ladies from dancing with the stars top my list, too. It's that long, lean, and still muscular look that I find to be stunning.
Q: Write down the list of diet schemes that you have tried and put down how you did with them and what you felt about them.
1. Atkins-too restrictive. I like bread. Did well while I was on it, but the weight came back with friends!
2. Weight Watchers-the first time I did great, but that was because i was accountable to someone who I had looked up to and admired greatly. When she left, I stopped caring again. She had been someone that I had wanted to make proud when I played volleyball for her, and when I found her again, I certainly didn't want her to be disappointed in what I had become since then.
3. Autumn's diet-I did with my cousin this diet that my cousin-in-law was doing because she was in a fitness competition. I did great, but you can only live on string cheese and apples for so long.
4. Stop eating-Yeah, I did it, and it was a bad choice, but it did work. However, I was flipping exhausted all of the time, and grouchy. Not so fun for those around me.
Q: Go back to your teenage years and write down what you remember about your weight.
I was always a bigger girl, hovering somewhere between a 12 and a 16 my whole life. And I was always wanting to go on a diet, and trying to go on a diet. Ugh. I was so desperate for someone (anyone) to like me, to have a date to prom or for the weekend or whatever. But I didn't, and that made me depressed and lonely, and so I ate, which was how I'd comforted myself through my awkward grade school years. I stayed about the same weight until I went to college, and the freedom definitely went to my head. By the time I'd finished my first year of college, I was up to a 16. Then there was Chris, and all of that. I ate my way through that relationship, gaining and gaining steadily. I had no friends, I had no life, I had no support, and I had no reason to do anything any day except for take care of Lucas, which is what go me through. When he left me, I moved back to my dad's. I stopped eating, and started dancing, and I was bound and determined to lose the weight. I wanted to show Chris what he'd lost, and I wanted my dad to stop thinking I was a complete failure. As I lost the sizes, I gained confidence and that's how I met Matt. My wonderful Matt, who loves food. Things haven't always been perfect, and I ate my way through hard times. I know when I gained my weight, and I know why I gained my weight. It's just so hard to lose it! Often, when I feel judged, or feel I have let someone down, I eat to compensate. I eat to shut off the feelings of inadequacy that I cannot get rid of (I know there's a skinny girl inside of me screaming to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies).
Q: Do you have any health issues related to your weight?
I am pretty much certain to become a diabetic. I have terrible shin splints, awful knees, and a very sore back. These things are another reason that I need to lose the weight. It's not about how I look. It's about how I feel, too. I love to play--volleyball, softball, anything outside, anything competitive. But I need to lose the weight to be able to keep up with the activities. The mind IS willing, but the body is weak. I need to stay healthy for my babies, so I can keep running with them, too. I need to do this this time.
Flylady, help me!
Here's the thing. With Sink Reflections, the baby steps are easier. The introspection isn't so great as it is in Body Clutter. In fact, tonight, I really didn't want to do my second Body Clutter Control Journal exercise. There are things about my thoughts that I don't want to admit to myself, let alone put down in black (or blue) and white, because they are to admit that I really feel that way (repression is my friend). But, I guess if I'm to give this a fair chance I have to do it, right?
Here is my journal exercise, in part. Please don't judge. I'm doing this for me, and for me only. I'm not searching for validation; I'm not looking for comments, positive, negative or otherwise. I'm just doing this to be honest with myself. The public component to this is just for added vulnerability on my part.... I'm a glutton for punishment (among other things, lol).
Q: What is your image of beautiful?
Um.... my image of beautiful changes a lot. My sisters are probably the most beautiful people I've seen in my life. My friends are all gorgeous. There are so many things that make them all beautiful. Thin, athletic girls, and girls with curves in the right places are beautiful. I think Salma Hayek is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Any of the gorgeous ladies from dancing with the stars top my list, too. It's that long, lean, and still muscular look that I find to be stunning.
Q: Write down the list of diet schemes that you have tried and put down how you did with them and what you felt about them.
1. Atkins-too restrictive. I like bread. Did well while I was on it, but the weight came back with friends!
2. Weight Watchers-the first time I did great, but that was because i was accountable to someone who I had looked up to and admired greatly. When she left, I stopped caring again. She had been someone that I had wanted to make proud when I played volleyball for her, and when I found her again, I certainly didn't want her to be disappointed in what I had become since then.
3. Autumn's diet-I did with my cousin this diet that my cousin-in-law was doing because she was in a fitness competition. I did great, but you can only live on string cheese and apples for so long.
4. Stop eating-Yeah, I did it, and it was a bad choice, but it did work. However, I was flipping exhausted all of the time, and grouchy. Not so fun for those around me.
Q: Go back to your teenage years and write down what you remember about your weight.
I was always a bigger girl, hovering somewhere between a 12 and a 16 my whole life. And I was always wanting to go on a diet, and trying to go on a diet. Ugh. I was so desperate for someone (anyone) to like me, to have a date to prom or for the weekend or whatever. But I didn't, and that made me depressed and lonely, and so I ate, which was how I'd comforted myself through my awkward grade school years. I stayed about the same weight until I went to college, and the freedom definitely went to my head. By the time I'd finished my first year of college, I was up to a 16. Then there was Chris, and all of that. I ate my way through that relationship, gaining and gaining steadily. I had no friends, I had no life, I had no support, and I had no reason to do anything any day except for take care of Lucas, which is what go me through. When he left me, I moved back to my dad's. I stopped eating, and started dancing, and I was bound and determined to lose the weight. I wanted to show Chris what he'd lost, and I wanted my dad to stop thinking I was a complete failure. As I lost the sizes, I gained confidence and that's how I met Matt. My wonderful Matt, who loves food. Things haven't always been perfect, and I ate my way through hard times. I know when I gained my weight, and I know why I gained my weight. It's just so hard to lose it! Often, when I feel judged, or feel I have let someone down, I eat to compensate. I eat to shut off the feelings of inadequacy that I cannot get rid of (I know there's a skinny girl inside of me screaming to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies).
Q: Do you have any health issues related to your weight?
I am pretty much certain to become a diabetic. I have terrible shin splints, awful knees, and a very sore back. These things are another reason that I need to lose the weight. It's not about how I look. It's about how I feel, too. I love to play--volleyball, softball, anything outside, anything competitive. But I need to lose the weight to be able to keep up with the activities. The mind IS willing, but the body is weak. I need to stay healthy for my babies, so I can keep running with them, too. I need to do this this time.
Flylady, help me!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A fun project
One of my ambitions for baking for Christmas time had been to make some homemade marshmallows. Unfortunately, I didn't have the time. But, since I got another long weekend for New Year, I was able to sneak it in. It as a lot easier and straightforward than I initially expected. And the mess was far easier to clean than anticipated.
Yum. Look at that fluffy goodness.
I'll start this by saying that I'm not really a huge fan of marshmallows to begin with; I just saw that it could be done in one's home, and all of the tutorials I looked at said they tasted so much better than the jet puffed ones... So, I figured what the heck.
The ingredients were fairly straightforward: water, vanilla, salt, sugar, confectioner's sugar, Karo Syrup, and Knox unflavored gelatin.
And then, I busted out THE DINOSAUR. Seriously. I borrowed this from my mom. It's so old that the rubber coating on the cord is starting to crack. This thing is truly the great grandaddy of all KitchenAid mixers (and honey, if you're reading, I'd really like a KitchenAid stand mixer in pink, the breast cancer one). But you know, for all it's cracks and stains, the thing is still a BEAST. She works beautifully. I'm calling her Nessie. She's ancient. She's huge. She's rare.
Sprinkle the gelatin into the water in the mixing bowl, and let it hang out for about ten minutes.
Meanwhile, in a pot, you stir together some more water, regular granulated sugar, and some goopy Karo Syrup. Chem 101: When a liquid can no longer disolve any solid (sugar, salt, etc), it is supersaturated. How to solve that problem: Heat the mixture. The sugar will then begin to dissolve again, and the mixture will begin to take on a liquid form again. Why? I don't know. That's really all that I remember from high school Chemistry (Thanks, Mr Dymond!). So I had to wait and wait for this to start boiling (good thing the gelatin and water in the mixer bowl had to chill for ten or so minutes!). Once it begins to boil, it boils hard, and you keep it at a rolling boil for a full minute.
Next comes the tricky/messy part. Turn Nessie on high speed with the paddle attachment. Pour in the boiling syrup mixture, and try not to get any on you. That stuff will stick to your skin and cause burns that will scar forever. At this point you could add some flavorings. I used vanilla, but some people have added crushed peppermints, or red hots, etc. I'm an old fashioned girl. So I just added the boiling syrup, vanilla, and let that thing run on high for 12 minutes. 
While you're doing whatever you decide to do in your 12 minutes, resist the temptation to scrape the sides of the bowl or the paddle. You'll just end up with a sticky, stringy mess, or worse, you'll end up with your finger glued to the bowl!! Just let your mixer do the work and walk away. But set a timer. 12 minutes--no more, no less.
While you're doing whatever you decide to do in your 12 minutes, resist the temptation to scrape the sides of the bowl or the paddle. You'll just end up with a sticky, stringy mess, or worse, you'll end up with your finger glued to the bowl!! Just let your mixer do the work and walk away. But set a timer. 12 minutes--no more, no less.
When you're done, use a spatula or a spoon to scrape the mixture into a WELL OILED pan. I didn't even attempt to smooth the top of it. It'll look kind of shiny, and you'll be kind of skeptical, but it'll all come together in a couple of hours. Just taste the goop before it sets. It's sinfully delicious. It would make a helluva rice krispy treat (I am envisioning using red food coloring and making rice krispy treat hearts for Lucas' class valentine's party). Let it sit for an hour, or a few, then cut them into squares. Those with more ambition could oil a cookie cutter, and cut them into shapes (like Peeps). At this point, you can dredge them in corn starch or (my preference) powdered sugar, and they're perfectly done.
Yum. Look at that fluffy goodness.But then I found out that my husband doesn't care much for marshmallows. Blast. The man who eats everything under the sun doesn't eat marshmallows plain??!? I've never seen him turn down a s'more in my life. Eureeka! I will make them s'mores.
I got down the two bags of chocolate chips I had left from Christmas baking. If you're fancy schmancy, you can use ghiradelli's baking chocolate, or a nice white chocolate, or even those colored candy wafers. My palate is not that refined. I'm loyal to Hershey's. So I melted the chocolate, dipped the marshmallows in it, and coated them well. I laid them on wax paper. I let the chocolate harden on some. On others, I used graham cracker crumbs. When it was all said and done, they're delicious.
Yummo. A perfect wintertime s'more. I've read that you can make your own graham crackers. I'm sniffing a fun summer time project. S'mores with homemade graham crackers and homemade marshmallows. I'll still use Hershey's chocolate, though. Some things just shouldn't be messed with.
The mess was so incredibly esy to clean. Just rinse everything in blazing hot as I could handle water, and the sugar mixture and the marshmallow fluff just dissolves, leaving me with yummy marshmallowy goodness, and a flylady shiny sink!
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